I feel odd.

The past few months or so I've felt a bit like I was sitting by and watching a lot of things float around me. I was somewhat overwhelmed in seeing things that need to change and I became quite sorrowful at times.

Its been difficult for me to remember to walk in the Spirit. It seems like the kind of thing that I would keep in the forefront of my mind, but I got more caught up in what wasn't right, rather than why. I listened to man instead of Christ. I was searching for worth and affirmation when it had already been given to me, in abundance. I'm still trying to put it all together, but my heart aches for truth.

I am thankful for the difficulty. The past few years have been marked with a lot of trials, things I had never faced before, and I truly see how Christ was teaching me to not depend on myself, and to trust completely in Him. I had no strength to continue, I had no wisdom to answer questions, and I had no vision of what is to come. But He does.

So, I guess the question might be, "what now?".. And its a great one. Now, I take it one day at a time. I learn to say no to my feelings and to obey Christ. My emotions deceive me, Christ never has. I dont feel like loving others more than myself, but Christ has commanded me to. I dont feel like being accountable, but Christ has commanded me to be. I have to learn to say no to these feelings that lie to me, and to obey Christ, in faith that those feelings will change. That I will love others, even those that are difficult to love, more than myself. That I will invite others to inspect my walk with Christ, and do it joyfully.

It will take a lifetime, and the lessons will change, but I am thankful that it means He will always be with me, and changing me. Less of Shannon, more of Christ.

:)

I hate to sound like every other blog on the internet, but it has been so long since I wrote anything. I am currently waiting to see how my job situation will work out. Waiting to see how our future unfolds and what direction it will take. I don't feel anxious anymore, and I don't feel afraid. I mostly feel excited about possibilities, some more than others.

A few things I would like to get back into doing: painting, reading for fun, studying the Word for connection and promise, going to the gym regularly and enjoying it, journaling, and photography. All parts of my past at some point that have slipped by me recently. I should pick one or 2 and make those a priority, then work my way around to any that really stick out.

I feel right now like I'm in some crazy place with God where He feels close the instant I think of Him. So closely linked to my emotions, so present. I feel like I don't deserve it because I haven't been taking time for Him like I feel I should, but thats not how He works anyway. I want to obey and seek Him out of love and joy, not to get a return. God owes me nothing, including His love, thats for sure.

Thats it for now. Another thing for my list above should be "blogging".